On the day that children brought in their little cute cards, the classroom was abuzz with excitement ... when it was time to deliver the little paper hugs all the students went around and dropped them into the small baggies.
After all the children were back at their desks, they could look at all the valentines received. I was really looking forward to seeing all the wonderful little colourful cards from all my friends.
As the class emptied their bags in front of them, the room filled with the cheerful sound of children having fun, enjoying the wonderful gifts from their friends. For me, it would become my first clear memory of disappointment and pain.
I remember not understanding ... why did all the other children have a pile of little cards in front of them, and I only had two cards? I thought these were my friends, and kids liked me. I remember the empty feeling, and the painful thought - I was unpopular, unwanted and invisible.
From then on, that is how I thought of myself for years to come ... and every valentine's day would be a reminder of that.
It would be a long time before that would change. I was fortunate enough to meet some caring, wonderful people that helped me see things in a better light.
Of course childhood isn't that simple ... there are many other factors and activities that help shape our self esteem, and any one event isn't likely to be solely responsible for your entire persona ... but I do remember that as being my first clear introduction to popularity, and the feeling of being rejected.
Through the years partners have come and gone ... you cross paths with someone, dance with them for a while, and part ways. Some valentines days have been spent alone and some not. Some friends refer to the 14th as Singles Awareness Day ( S. A. D. ) ... and yes, if you're single, it's just another reminder that you are without a partner.
There are people in the world that say V day was created by the card makers, flower sellers and the chocolate manufacturers to make more money ... maybe.
Today, my idea of love, relationships and loneliness has matured. I came to realize that during the times when I was without a partner, I was just "between relationships". This idea brought me a calming peace, and helped to combat that feeling that I would be alone forever. Perhaps that is one of the most destructive and saddening notions ... to be alone forever.
I guess one of the other notions that might pop up here is do we need someone else in our lives to be happy? I believe that everyone is different, and some more independent ... but most people probably want to feel loved and wanted. I came to realize in later years that periods of solitude were a wonderful opportunity for freedom, and to do some serious soul searching, grow and improve. When one is alone, there are no distractions and no compromises ... it can be a great time for spiritual growth and to focus on inner strengths.
I am very lucky presently to have met someone who loving, caring, intelligent and fun. We are blessed to be sharing our lives together, and our lives are richer for it. Janice is truly a treasure, and she has brought me a wonderful joy that I hope I can also return to her.
If you are reading this and you are without that special someone in your life, I hope you know that even though it may not be as obvious as you would like, you are loved. There are people in the world that care for you, and think about you. Be strong, love yourself and celebrate happiness within you. Think about some of the people in your life, and remember the warmth and smiles that the world has to offer.
~ hugs ~
